Letting Go (in Cardiff)

As the tour comes to an end, I am already slowly letting go of Motherland. 
Over 23 years of making work, it's been the most challenging, complex creative process I have encountered. 

10 performers 
1 understudy  
1 dramaturg
2 technicians
3 staff  
and me.
 
I named it as an experiment before we started. A new way of working. More detached. More formal compositional choices to frame our activity. I tried to name the risks. 
But the process still took people by surprise.  

I have never felt more isolated in my role  as director. More disconnected. Or more misunderstood.

It seems peoples' heads were exploding working in a different way to the way we have worked before.
It's been taken personally.
But then it always is.
It's been epic. Its been dramatic.
But then it always is.

So many artists in the studio to consider.
So many egos.  
So much doubt to push through.
So much material to consider. 
So many decisions to make about what to keep, what to leave behind.
So much material to put my faith into when others couldn't see the picture

This deep and disturbing mix of psychology and creativity, this mixing of emotion with
form, structure with content. Personal and professional investment comes at a price. It costs all of us and can blind us to each others' needs. It threatens friendships. It leaves us drained and fatigued.

This translation of emotion and experience into art.
We produced something extra-ordinary. 
Out of the ordinary. 
Unique.
Do the means justify the end product?
I am no longer sure. 

Some things remain the same. 
Maybe it is time for a big change.