Know pain, know gain
I’ve done it again! I’ve hurt my back and I know from experience what waits for me; the familiar pattern of balancing my needs with those of the work, the people around me and the expectations I have/had of myself become my filter for experiencing the remainder of the development of the work. The question, the nagging thought that maybe the cost of performing is not worth the pay-off (monetarily, physical and emotional). Strangely this may have been ideal Charlotte’s last piece, the irony!
The development of this work, Motherland continues a pace. We are entering the tipping point between research and the formation of a piece of theatre. I find this moment a confusing one. As different parts of me pull in different directions. So much of this research has been framed within the notion that charlotte wants to hear our voice (from which she will select the moments she feels work best) now much of what we have produced is being reworked by her to say something different, to say what she wants or needs to hear for the piece to function as a work. I knew this would happen, I expected this to happen, I knew from experience that it would and yet I am still struggling to let go of my own voice, my intention in saying the things I did, my aurthority/aurthorship over this material. The complexities of collaboration!
I hope to heal and I hope to accept charlottes treatment of my work. In both cases my ability to understand and process the sensations of discomfort I feel between those of actual damage and those of being challenged point to my ego as being the current site of engagement with this working process.